Friday, May 6, 2011

To blog or not to blog.... it was quite the dilemma.

Sometimes I like to write.  Other times, and honestly, I suppose most of the time; I don’t think I have anything to say that will interest anyone.  I wonder, “what can I say that will be profound or funny or entertaining”. I have several friends or even acquaintances whose blogs I love,  I almost feel obsessed with and I think, "I could never look at my life so humorously or so poignantly."

I have thought several times though about starting a blog, I've often wanted to start this blog so that I'd already have it going before we have kids and I pull the,"I’ll-start-a-family-blog" move.  Not that I think there is anything wrong with that, I guess I just have personal issues with doing “seemingly cliché” things (I don’t mean to offend family blogs I think they are awesome and they are often the blogs I am most obsessed with).  I guess I just want the blog to be mine.  About my life and when I have kids they will be a part of that… is that super selfish? Probably is - but I think as a woman, wife, employee it is hard for me to think and convey just my thoughts, I worry about others needs, desires, expectations and my blog could just be all for me - my thoughts, goals, feelings, desires, expectations, inspirations, creations, lessons etc...  Maybe.   

So it seems like a good idea to me but I never did it.

Then the other day I was talking to Phil (that’s my husband for those who don’t know) and told him I was thinking about writing an article called “PA school tried to kill my marriage”.  I honestly didn’t know all that I would write about I just thought I needed to write out all I was thinking, feeling, and maybe share a few thoughts that this stressful time in life has taught me. – I think he was a bit offended at the title – maybe this is a bad idea ;)

On top of that, several people I know (one recently married – no kids) and one PA school wife (sharing thoughts “from this crazy time in life”) started blogs.  Note: neither is specifically family blogs :-)  Anyway I thought well, what’s the harm? Maybe no one reads my blog.  Maybe no one cares about my thoughts but since I used to love journaling and it has somewhat become a thing of the past maybe blogging would be a good outlet for my thoughts.

Now let’s be honest – there are some fears in blogging. 
  1. You have to choose whether or not to make it public.
    1.  If I don’t make it public, what’s the point of having a blog – I might as well just make digital journal entries.
    2.  If I make it public I open myself up to anyone – strangers or not reading about my life and being able to freely comment and critique or misunderstand me.
  2.  How do I pick and choose what to say? Sometimes I can be too honest/pessimistic.  And people don’t want to hear/don’t need to hear my garbage. And sometimes I don’t really have anything uplifting to say. I also don’t want to be fake or create a persona that is “better” than the real me.
  3.   I want to regularly post. – Yikes! Do I have enough to say?
  4.   I have a portfolio blog – should I have two?  What’s the point of my portfolio – does anyone even care about it? No one comments.
  5.  No one comments – but they read.  You don’t know who has read your blog, do I really want people to be able to “keep up with me” without ever talking to me.  Does it harm friendships or make them tighter?  Or have no impact at all?

So I have hobbies, creative ideas and things I would like to share.  But why? Is it bragging or promoting?  I don’t need to brag or promote myself.

Facebook has been under some scrutiny I guess in certain circles that it’s a popularity contest or people make themselves seem better than they are or whatever the arguments are.  I don’t really buy into them because I think it is what you make it.  I don’t have a million friends on Facebook and a lot of the “friends” I do have I block – ‘cause I don’t care what they have to say.  Oooo… is that too harsh?  Well whatever, it is true.  I don’t only post “good stuff” I post what I think and I think what I say.  For better or worse I guess.

This is getting off topic.

Except my thought behind this is the Facebook scrutiny is what if I only focus about how many followers I have or focus on how many comments an entry gets. Or what if I worry too much about the readers and not what I have to say.  These are things just in life I need to work on.  Maybe blogging will be a good exercise toward me not being such a people pleaser.  Is that too lofty a hope?          Please don't judge.

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